The birth of virtual reclusion

Today was the first day in a while that I managed to talk myself into doing a little more than wallow and wonder in my everyday dooms-day pessimism. It should’ve been easy enough seeing that I took only two weeks to mentally prepare to start my sister’s 06:30 bootcamp class. Even with the prior notice I tried everything to get myself to come up with an excuse to not go. I couldn’t claim oversleeping because I was awake when she left. That’s right, wide awake from having taken Nasa for a puppy walk to pee. Little traitor!. I watched her stumble playing with a sock-ball-thing we made. 

Maybe blame the car … fuel - it is Zimbabwe after all. Nope, too lame. This was something I signed up for so if I was going to miss my first day, then I damn well come up with something a whole lot better. I rolled my eyes and I stood with a huff.

I took a deep breathe and padded to the room with my clothes, still mulling over a possible good excuse to use. I slipped into workout pants, a workout top and my old company’s branded sweater. I’m glad that it was going to be rubbed up in mud and dust, maybe add in a few branches or fire. Yeah right. In any case, the prospect that Willi (ex-boss) would find out about this and turn into a red lollipop with smoke coming out his ears cheered me up. How dare I use such a nice sweater he paid for to a work out session? Oh but I do dare. I smiled in a maleficent fashion as I headed to the kitchen for a water bottle. I sat behind the wheel of my car trying to will one more brilliant excuse out of me, now or never... there was no turning back once the car starts. Useless mind.

The drive was quick and painless, a lot cold but painless otherwise. I don’t know what I was expecting, it was a mere 5min drive in really bad traffic. Stalling much? The earlier class seemed to be winding down as I arrived. I knew that moment that this was both great and really bad. I know I hadn’t worked out in a very long time, my poor lungs. Poor body, it was good knowing you.

There’s a place in my mind I have always found when I work out. Its a cozy cafe for thought. Plenty a thought I possess so it never really gets dull. I pushed through my high-plank. I knew whoever came up with this exercise was definitely going to heaven with the way I cursed them and a family member of theirs out, as my arms shook under the strain. 

My life was and currently is under great scrutiny and review. As a bonus, I added an audit I hate tricep-dips! 9,...10, ... It almost feels like it always is under some self...What? judgement? Bias? Introspection? I decided not to go there, I had to concentrate, the sit-ups that I had moved to were trying to kill me. I’m shell shocked at myself for keeping myself on my own toes with all this randomness. Pffffft

I wished my life could be like what this class was giving me. Thoughtless repetitive movement that do wonders for my body and heart. All I had to do was stick with it. I tried that for six years and I came back with is a broken heart and dissatisfaction with the script that the world was forcing my life into. Imagine that? Life broke my heart. Ughhhhhh….stupid running trail. My lungs were burning, but at least I was feeling something. Tears brimmed and spilled over my eyelids involuntarily. Gosh what mess. I am...I am.. What am I? in pain? crying at my sister’s bootcamp is what I am…i turned away from everyone, embarrassed. I didn't care too much after that initial second though because it had been a while. I felt

Alone

How many times have you heard this?

Friend: what are you doing?
You: oh nothing just at home.
Friend: ALONE!??

Its amazing how many people fear being alone. How the thought of spending time with ourselves is a trigger for panic. We sit with ourselves unable to fathom the idea of ever being alone for a few hours without doing anything. Its okay to be alone when getting your hair done or watching a movie, doing nails or reading a book. But all alone with our thoughts and feelings is just a thing as scary as watching Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th.

The problem for most with being alone is the fact that we have to entertain ourselves with our own thoughts but because we carry heavy coats of regret or envy its just too tough. Besides, its much easier to surround yourselves with people who talk about nothing while getting drunk so our minds are too impaired to even function well. That state of being surrounded can build an illusion that everyone around us likes us enough. I guess that makes us feel special?

What's worse now, with the connectivity, we have something to keep ourselves occupied. Boredom is easier to avoid because if the worst comes to the worst we face-stalk, follow and unfollow, friend and unfriendly, like and unlike  people we've never met. As my favorite person in the world right now - Alan - said "there is a problem if you stare into a screen all day pressing buttons"

Its like there is a need to not be accountable for things we did or to admit to things we failed to do. The idea if looking closely and deeply into the person we were and have become is much like looking into the mouth of a hungry bear. We fear ourselves. We don't like ourselves enough to be able to be by ourselves. The gauge of how special we are to ourselves seems to be tied to the number of people around us - regardless how insignificant they impact our lives. There is a lack of love for self. We live life hunting for compliments and dressing to be noticed, buying things we can't afford and definitely don't need just for the sake of fitting into a world that barely recognizes as anything more than just a drop of water in an ocean. Its like being special by association rather than just being special.

Maybe that is human nature. We are a species that was created in pairs (according to the Bible) and strive in communities. Human existence has never been of one man alone. I have to say though that the need for approval from everyone but ourselves is a troubling feeling for me, its hard for me to think humanity has come to this kind of existence.

If I have one aspiration in my life, is to find inner peace and do better with self love. I've never been one to worry what people think or dress in anyway other than to be comfortable. But I do know I need time for retrospection and reconnaissance. I guess I just figured out what I want for my birthday.

To anyone who reads this I say to you. "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here" - desiderata

Be gentle with yourselves. Smile for you are alive!

Winter time

There is nothing worse in the world than waking a black African lesbian woman and have her confused.  Its a dramatic event and it occurred this morning

The following takes place between 06:37 - 06:47am.
Events occur in real-time.

I was minding my own business, sleeping away like normal people do. My dreams were a blank black blanket of nothingness. All was well in my subconscious mind. In an instant, my eyes opened and noticed streaks of sunlight coming through my living room windows. Its morning, I thought in affirmation. Duh! Thanks Einstein for stating the obvious, I rattled to myself.

The ticking of the wall clock caught my senses and I glanced up at it. 07:37am it said. Great - its almost 08:00, I thought. I imagined my girlfriend would be late for work, we were up until very late, practically slept this morning. I know she's a sleeper and really doesn't do well with short periods of sleep. It dawned on me that I have to wake her or at least check if she's awake.

I realised she was my second thought this morning after that Einstein moment. I better not tell her that. Its more romantic that she believes she's always my first thought. I reached for my tablet, clicked the WhatsApp icon and a second later it was on my screen. In the corner the time read 06:42am.

What the fuck!? I thought as I glanced up to my wall clock again, 07:42am. "Oh God, time is confused! What is the world going to do? We're going to be late for work, the markets will collapse and I'll turn 29 an hour late! Or early! Will I ever know the time again?" My pleas echoed in my mind as I kept checking both clocks.

I remembered the wall clock uses batteries. Maybe it sped up? Or stopped, god forbid my clock stopped for a whole hour during the night! I watch it closely to make sure it was moving. Okay, it is moving. *sigh of relief* "Then...what the fuck is going on!?"  I checked the tablet again. 4bars of cellular network, 58% battery, time - 06:45am. I'm soooo confused!! Maybe I slept and missed a whole day!? What's the date today?

I run my fingers through my hair. There has to be an explanation I thought. Could the earth have changed direction on the axis? Surely that would explain the two timezones in my living room! Maybe I should have slept in my bed! Wouldn't that be something! Joan stop! Think!

I took a long controlled breathe. Okay, let's trace back my subconscious prints, I urged myself. Okay I slept. REM. Sleep. Orexin. Sleep inertia. Focus, focus Joan. What in the world would make the world have two timezones in one place?

Oh shit! Winter Time!

The Airport: Part 2

There is an air in airports, a shimmering anticipation just under the surface. Excitement to leave, excitement to receive the people who are coming in.

This time though there was also an air of regret and sadness. It was too early in the morning and the place seemed a little deserted. I was emotional, grumpy, a 7am flight meant check in was at 5am and that meant we had to be up at 3:00am. The Namibian airport is located a whooping 37km out in the middle of no where with really tricky roads. A round of applause for great planning. Are all airports that far off?

We walked into the airport like veterans, we knew what we were doing. Stood in the check in line cracking shitty jokes to each other in comfort. 15minutes later we realised we were actually in the wrong queue! We strolled casually to the right counter and once settled in, we realised my skirt had ripped. A few tourists were waiting just ahead of us, one kept looking back at us as if we had apple trees growing from our noses! A young man stood next to us, looking confident and quite awake. Ahead of him a cute toddler in her socks, her mother and her infant brother or sister. She was impatient, I bet wondering when she'd be able to watch Barney.

20 minutes later, we got her checked in and had an hour to kill which we spent sitting closely together at the sitting area. Non of the airport shops were open there were no announcements whatsoever for the flights boarding. While we passed comments about that a woman started screaming into the microphone that the first flight was leaving. I apologized to her, I didn't know why she was pissed but I surely didn't want to be at the end of that rage!

We visited the ladies room and as usual I was quick to finish my business then watched my girlfriend fiddling with her hair for minutes. She gained the audience of an airport employee who watched her the whole time through the mirror. Next thing was like a mini dress competition. When my girlfriend checked her lipstick, airport lady plastered a few layers of hers then - as if to win the contest - she drew on her eyebrows and sprayed on her perfume! Take that baby! Lol

We returned to the waiting area and not a minute later, a woman walked by wearing a cloth on her head like a head scarf of sorts. In my confusion of the dress style, i involuntary stared, trying to figure out if she was Muslim or just rocking the African early morning look. In my contemplation I realised everyone around me was also starring. I rumbled in laughter, I realised it was that awkward moment when even she wasn't sure of herself because of the starring. She made it though without tripping or blatantly falling flat on her face.

A gentler woman announced the flight boarding for my girlfriend's flight. We walked ever so slowly to the doors and stood there a little awkwardly trying to delay the inevitable. I tried to decide if I should I should make it a Titanic moment or another lesbian movie that ends in heartbreak. I ignored both thoughts. Finally we exchanged a tight hug and pouty looks. I kissed her and said goodbye. I watched her walk away in slight slow motion...

As soon I settled back in the car I had just about one thought. When the hell will she be back?

The Airport: Part 1

There is an air in airports, a shimmering anticipation just under the surface. Excitement to leave, excitement to receive the people who are coming in.

Because of my time miss management I arrived there way too early - humanly impossible to always be this early - but i was. I sat there whole time watching the people around. The Namibian airport is very small, you can practically shout in the departure area and the arrivals would run back to their planes. There was a group of Europeans sitting together, speaking their English with thick accents. Proud of their endeavors in the Namibian wilderness. One said he saw a rhinoceros, I roll my eyes. Rhinoceros are our pets lol. Europeans because they think khakhis are the African safari fashion, Oversized hats and sunburnt skin. In case anyone wonders, they are coming from Namibia, the hot African sun has tamed their pale skin and they survived. Applause.

Just in front of the gates is a large number of drivers with poorly written boards with names misspelt.

There is a cleaner, walking around with a broom and mop, both hands simultaneously working. It made me wonder if kung fu wasn't really invented in Africa. A wrist roll and the broom swoops up the dirt and right after the gentle caress of the mop, she looks unfazed like it is just another practice session. I wonder what she'd look like in action. The automated doors open and my heart jumps, every time. I should be calmer I think. I'm cool. Regardless I wait slightly impatiently for her to walk through those doors, nervous for her and nervous for me.

I glance at the clock at the boards, I assume it wasn't working or God decided today was his April fools because ever glance would only be two minutes past. I realised I had a whole two hours to practise my ice breaker. What did the chicken say to the dog? No no that's too stupid. I try to think of something witty, along the lines of "would you like to touch my tattoos?"

Sooner than I could decide on the best route, I'm joined by an old elderly couple who wear permanent frowns even when they are smiling. The woman was watching two toddlers running around barefoot. I could imagine the kind of scolding the parents were receiving in her head. I realised I'm nervous. More than I should be. I've known this woman a while now - surely...

Well 23minutes until arrival, I take a deep breathe and shook my nerves away. Or did I? Her flight has landed! Oh shit the door is opening...

Dear diary,

I'm not a fan of self help books, I never have been. I find it rather annoying to have a book of reference as if everyone deals with situations the same way. The titles are much worse "How to make any girl fall in love with you" or "How to live a fulfilling life". Yeah okay, I'll pass but thank you.

I think I may need one of those books though. " How to keep your cool when you meet a girl you like!"

I honestly feel so comfortable or maybe too comfortable talking to her. Its all so natural that the first thing I do now when I wake is want to call or text or  check for a voice note or listen to any old ones. It used to be coffee, now its her voice. "Insert eye roll here* Its a very intoxicating and scary thing when your world is unraveled so quickly that everything seems more natural knowing she's there than when she's not.

I guess you have already figured out that I met someone. This may be the first time I have written about a woman whom is currently in my life. Maybe that's a good sign.

I laugh a lot when we speak, I'm not sure if it because she force fed  me a bucket of butterflies or that she's truly a person that can make me laugh. Either way, I'll take it.

The stupidity that comes with these feelings are the worst. I feel like a teenager in a sense but well.

I guess at the end of it all, it will be up to Her and I to figure out if we can  work. Its not everyday that I meet someone who sparks and captures my interest so I guess that means I'm in.

I am aware of my silent fans and the vocal ones. I'm hoping you are nice people but maybe some of you aren't and that's okay. There's nothing anyone can do in this case but perhaps if you'd wish me luck with this?

Joan

+One

I have never met her, i didn't even know her name. I only know her from the daughter she gave birth to and the grandchild she has. I only know her from stories i hear and things she said. Oral tradition which allows me to see her as the beautiful woman she once was.

Technically i shouldn't be this upset but i am. Another fallen angel because of stupid Ovarian cancer. Problem is it is just too close to home. Its almost like i go through the motions again as tears try to sip out of my eyes. I have no describable emotions just a void in my heart filled with sadness, lined by memories. Again i exclaim that i stand with the millions + one.

the millions that have passed, the millions that are diagnosed and the millions that will pass, plus one - who is my mom and now one more - the woman i will never really know.

















RIP