Dear diary,

I'm not a fan of self help books, I never have been. I find it rather annoying to have a book of reference as if everyone deals with situations the same way. The titles are much worse "How to make any girl fall in love with you" or "How to live a fulfilling life". Yeah okay, I'll pass but thank you.

I think I may need one of those books though. " How to keep your cool when you meet a girl you like!"

I honestly feel so comfortable or maybe too comfortable talking to her. Its all so natural that the first thing I do now when I wake is want to call or text or  check for a voice note or listen to any old ones. It used to be coffee, now its her voice. "Insert eye roll here* Its a very intoxicating and scary thing when your world is unraveled so quickly that everything seems more natural knowing she's there than when she's not.

I guess you have already figured out that I met someone. This may be the first time I have written about a woman whom is currently in my life. Maybe that's a good sign.

I laugh a lot when we speak, I'm not sure if it because she force fed  me a bucket of butterflies or that she's truly a person that can make me laugh. Either way, I'll take it.

The stupidity that comes with these feelings are the worst. I feel like a teenager in a sense but well.

I guess at the end of it all, it will be up to Her and I to figure out if we can  work. Its not everyday that I meet someone who sparks and captures my interest so I guess that means I'm in.

I am aware of my silent fans and the vocal ones. I'm hoping you are nice people but maybe some of you aren't and that's okay. There's nothing anyone can do in this case but perhaps if you'd wish me luck with this?

Joan

+One

I have never met her, i didn't even know her name. I only know her from the daughter she gave birth to and the grandchild she has. I only know her from stories i hear and things she said. Oral tradition which allows me to see her as the beautiful woman she once was.

Technically i shouldn't be this upset but i am. Another fallen angel because of stupid Ovarian cancer. Problem is it is just too close to home. Its almost like i go through the motions again as tears try to sip out of my eyes. I have no describable emotions just a void in my heart filled with sadness, lined by memories. Again i exclaim that i stand with the millions + one.

the millions that have passed, the millions that are diagnosed and the millions that will pass, plus one - who is my mom and now one more - the woman i will never really know.

















RIP

Valentine's day

Dear diary

I guess I have been pondering on the amount of times I have loved deeply. I probably should start with my "first" love which in retrospect could have been just an innocent teenage love affair with my best friend. We didn't talk deeper than music and sing together. Then, at 13, that was more than enough. That's all I needed and she gave me so much more, an extra piece of chicken when we were in the dining hall, that extra hug.

When I really think of it, I really am combing for my best friend because that's who I would want to share my life with. The girl who understands my need for intimacy without thinking its needy, one who gets that time together is a way to feed my old soul. Who gets my artistic quirks which I assume can be rather annoying. A cuddler - I don't know how to stress that point! Its a need! My cuddle addiction is so bad that my profile on the dating site starts with "Hi, I'm Joan and I'm a cuddler" !

I am a hopeless romantic and love to love hard and mostly ready to fall hard. I'm not willing to go through the new age motions of fuck buddies and like relationships. Its tricky looking for a best friend instead of love. Shouldn't it be the opposite? No point now, thanks to you TP for that standard you set.

I remember my first Valentine's, she got me a perfume with a rose. Creamed my little heart into a puddle! I don't believe in Valentine's day,not really, but since everyone is on being romantic that day I didn't want her to feel left out so I wrote her a song. *insert eye roll here* . I even sang it to her on the piano.

Now, almost 30, I barely have the guts to say hello to a woman. I smile, look a little - well cause I'm too cool I don't want to seem like I'm staring lol. For this Valentine's, I guess I caught a break, I won't need to do anything since you - whoever you are - are still being all cryptic and hiding from me!

But I won't be too much of a party pooper. For all you couples out there, even if you are like me and don't believe in the day, buy her chocolate, watch that game with him. Romance is not for one day, definitely not, but it just is good to recognise that someone out there is like us, made a day to celebrate love and romance. Maybe for those that have less expressive partners, its a great idea to have a day you can look forward to.

Love is meant to be celebrated, today, tomorrow - the 14th of February. Doesn't matter really, as long as when you are in love, you Love the best way you know how.

Happy Valentine's Day

Killing Yourself to Live

Dear Diary

I thought i would be able to introduce my thoughts on this book but i guess not quite yet. I'll leave you to ponder this for now.


“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.” 
― Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story

Dear Diary

So i know i haven't written in a while, i think i needed the time to become undone. I spent most of it trying to work on the book. Yep, i am writing a book - or supposed to be.

Anyway, one early evening not so long ago, i sat with...well - lets just call her a friend - Lady. We were in some sort of intoxicated state that made us feel real intelligent and world class philosophers of sorts. We decided the world order had to be unraveled, and pin-point the actual reason that we live. Bear with me here and try keep up with this mouthful as i try to decipher it.

Lets begin on the soul and the theory that souls do not in fact die, they sort of move in a constant circular motion (reincarnation). However, for the soul to "rest" there then has to be a state of shall i say euphoria that will then put the soul in an enlightened state, which needn't need the soul to keep 'reincarnating'.

This somewhat connected to yin&yang, the perfect state of balance. Lady came up with an ideology that yin&yang are two souls, that meet and create a balance. I echoed with the Christian story of Noah & the arc in which the animals were always paired in 2s for balance, for the yin&yang purpose.

Balance = the state of paired souls = soulmates. 

The correct pairing of souls would then bring the living state of euphoria - which is that thing called True-Love. That boiled the whole discovery to one truth: The real reason for living is to love wholly. Not to just love anyone, but that ONE.

That, at the time, was cause for high-fives, mic-drops, happy-dances and cocky-nods between the two of us. We'd just unravelled God's plan. We were thinking "We know what you're up to". We had completely discovered the reason we came to be. Just a giant science project testing the ability of True Love's power of attraction within all and sundry living souls on earth.

Since this great new discovery of life's purpose, i have been acutely aware of my aloneness. Then the question of why i have always thought of myself as the last of my kind was somewhat answered. Can I say I know the reason my soul has been on earth for the last, I don't know, 100 years maybe?  I discovered that i am incapable of taking relationships lightly. Even my attraction to women seems pretty complicated to the normal human. I'm attracted to a person from the inside out. The more real, grounded, intelligent, kind, warm, compassionate, etc. they are - the sexier they become. So there goes my aspired one-nighters and casual relationships. I'm totally screwed it seems.

The next problem is this extreme introverted state i fall into when i am single. I just cannot seem to sum up the same interest to socialise as the normal human when i am unpaired. I prefer reading a book, working on my tattoos, having a glass of wine on the balcony watching the sunset. Unlike everyone else, I spend more time within myself instead of out there on the streets like everyone else yelling "My One!" so maybe she can maybe hurry the fuck up and we live happily ever after already!

So my journey to euphoria is still on. It would be a load of bollocks to say that my awareness makes it easy for an introverted queen like me, but perhaps if you'd wish me luck?


Joan