Alone

How many times have you heard this?

Friend: what are you doing?
You: oh nothing just at home.
Friend: ALONE!??

Its amazing how many people fear being alone. How the thought of spending time with ourselves is a trigger for panic. We sit with ourselves unable to fathom the idea of ever being alone for a few hours without doing anything. Its okay to be alone when getting your hair done or watching a movie, doing nails or reading a book. But all alone with our thoughts and feelings is just a thing as scary as watching Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th.

The problem for most with being alone is the fact that we have to entertain ourselves with our own thoughts but because we carry heavy coats of regret or envy its just too tough. Besides, its much easier to surround yourselves with people who talk about nothing while getting drunk so our minds are too impaired to even function well. That state of being surrounded can build an illusion that everyone around us likes us enough. I guess that makes us feel special?

What's worse now, with the connectivity, we have something to keep ourselves occupied. Boredom is easier to avoid because if the worst comes to the worst we face-stalk, follow and unfollow, friend and unfriendly, like and unlike  people we've never met. As my favorite person in the world right now - Alan - said "there is a problem if you stare into a screen all day pressing buttons"

Its like there is a need to not be accountable for things we did or to admit to things we failed to do. The idea if looking closely and deeply into the person we were and have become is much like looking into the mouth of a hungry bear. We fear ourselves. We don't like ourselves enough to be able to be by ourselves. The gauge of how special we are to ourselves seems to be tied to the number of people around us - regardless how insignificant they impact our lives. There is a lack of love for self. We live life hunting for compliments and dressing to be noticed, buying things we can't afford and definitely don't need just for the sake of fitting into a world that barely recognizes as anything more than just a drop of water in an ocean. Its like being special by association rather than just being special.

Maybe that is human nature. We are a species that was created in pairs (according to the Bible) and strive in communities. Human existence has never been of one man alone. I have to say though that the need for approval from everyone but ourselves is a troubling feeling for me, its hard for me to think humanity has come to this kind of existence.

If I have one aspiration in my life, is to find inner peace and do better with self love. I've never been one to worry what people think or dress in anyway other than to be comfortable. But I do know I need time for retrospection and reconnaissance. I guess I just figured out what I want for my birthday.

To anyone who reads this I say to you. "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here" - desiderata

Be gentle with yourselves. Smile for you are alive!

Winter time

There is nothing worse in the world than waking a black African lesbian woman and have her confused.  Its a dramatic event and it occurred this morning

The following takes place between 06:37 - 06:47am.
Events occur in real-time.

I was minding my own business, sleeping away like normal people do. My dreams were a blank black blanket of nothingness. All was well in my subconscious mind. In an instant, my eyes opened and noticed streaks of sunlight coming through my living room windows. Its morning, I thought in affirmation. Duh! Thanks Einstein for stating the obvious, I rattled to myself.

The ticking of the wall clock caught my senses and I glanced up at it. 07:37am it said. Great - its almost 08:00, I thought. I imagined my girlfriend would be late for work, we were up until very late, practically slept this morning. I know she's a sleeper and really doesn't do well with short periods of sleep. It dawned on me that I have to wake her or at least check if she's awake.

I realised she was my second thought this morning after that Einstein moment. I better not tell her that. Its more romantic that she believes she's always my first thought. I reached for my tablet, clicked the WhatsApp icon and a second later it was on my screen. In the corner the time read 06:42am.

What the fuck!? I thought as I glanced up to my wall clock again, 07:42am. "Oh God, time is confused! What is the world going to do? We're going to be late for work, the markets will collapse and I'll turn 29 an hour late! Or early! Will I ever know the time again?" My pleas echoed in my mind as I kept checking both clocks.

I remembered the wall clock uses batteries. Maybe it sped up? Or stopped, god forbid my clock stopped for a whole hour during the night! I watch it closely to make sure it was moving. Okay, it is moving. *sigh of relief* "Then...what the fuck is going on!?"  I checked the tablet again. 4bars of cellular network, 58% battery, time - 06:45am. I'm soooo confused!! Maybe I slept and missed a whole day!? What's the date today?

I run my fingers through my hair. There has to be an explanation I thought. Could the earth have changed direction on the axis? Surely that would explain the two timezones in my living room! Maybe I should have slept in my bed! Wouldn't that be something! Joan stop! Think!

I took a long controlled breathe. Okay, let's trace back my subconscious prints, I urged myself. Okay I slept. REM. Sleep. Orexin. Sleep inertia. Focus, focus Joan. What in the world would make the world have two timezones in one place?

Oh shit! Winter Time!

The Airport: Part 2

There is an air in airports, a shimmering anticipation just under the surface. Excitement to leave, excitement to receive the people who are coming in.

This time though there was also an air of regret and sadness. It was too early in the morning and the place seemed a little deserted. I was emotional, grumpy, a 7am flight meant check in was at 5am and that meant we had to be up at 3:00am. The Namibian airport is located a whooping 37km out in the middle of no where with really tricky roads. A round of applause for great planning. Are all airports that far off?

We walked into the airport like veterans, we knew what we were doing. Stood in the check in line cracking shitty jokes to each other in comfort. 15minutes later we realised we were actually in the wrong queue! We strolled casually to the right counter and once settled in, we realised my skirt had ripped. A few tourists were waiting just ahead of us, one kept looking back at us as if we had apple trees growing from our noses! A young man stood next to us, looking confident and quite awake. Ahead of him a cute toddler in her socks, her mother and her infant brother or sister. She was impatient, I bet wondering when she'd be able to watch Barney.

20 minutes later, we got her checked in and had an hour to kill which we spent sitting closely together at the sitting area. Non of the airport shops were open there were no announcements whatsoever for the flights boarding. While we passed comments about that a woman started screaming into the microphone that the first flight was leaving. I apologized to her, I didn't know why she was pissed but I surely didn't want to be at the end of that rage!

We visited the ladies room and as usual I was quick to finish my business then watched my girlfriend fiddling with her hair for minutes. She gained the audience of an airport employee who watched her the whole time through the mirror. Next thing was like a mini dress competition. When my girlfriend checked her lipstick, airport lady plastered a few layers of hers then - as if to win the contest - she drew on her eyebrows and sprayed on her perfume! Take that baby! Lol

We returned to the waiting area and not a minute later, a woman walked by wearing a cloth on her head like a head scarf of sorts. In my confusion of the dress style, i involuntary stared, trying to figure out if she was Muslim or just rocking the African early morning look. In my contemplation I realised everyone around me was also starring. I rumbled in laughter, I realised it was that awkward moment when even she wasn't sure of herself because of the starring. She made it though without tripping or blatantly falling flat on her face.

A gentler woman announced the flight boarding for my girlfriend's flight. We walked ever so slowly to the doors and stood there a little awkwardly trying to delay the inevitable. I tried to decide if I should I should make it a Titanic moment or another lesbian movie that ends in heartbreak. I ignored both thoughts. Finally we exchanged a tight hug and pouty looks. I kissed her and said goodbye. I watched her walk away in slight slow motion...

As soon I settled back in the car I had just about one thought. When the hell will she be back?

The Airport: Part 1

There is an air in airports, a shimmering anticipation just under the surface. Excitement to leave, excitement to receive the people who are coming in.

Because of my time miss management I arrived there way too early - humanly impossible to always be this early - but i was. I sat there whole time watching the people around. The Namibian airport is very small, you can practically shout in the departure area and the arrivals would run back to their planes. There was a group of Europeans sitting together, speaking their English with thick accents. Proud of their endeavors in the Namibian wilderness. One said he saw a rhinoceros, I roll my eyes. Rhinoceros are our pets lol. Europeans because they think khakhis are the African safari fashion, Oversized hats and sunburnt skin. In case anyone wonders, they are coming from Namibia, the hot African sun has tamed their pale skin and they survived. Applause.

Just in front of the gates is a large number of drivers with poorly written boards with names misspelt.

There is a cleaner, walking around with a broom and mop, both hands simultaneously working. It made me wonder if kung fu wasn't really invented in Africa. A wrist roll and the broom swoops up the dirt and right after the gentle caress of the mop, she looks unfazed like it is just another practice session. I wonder what she'd look like in action. The automated doors open and my heart jumps, every time. I should be calmer I think. I'm cool. Regardless I wait slightly impatiently for her to walk through those doors, nervous for her and nervous for me.

I glance at the clock at the boards, I assume it wasn't working or God decided today was his April fools because ever glance would only be two minutes past. I realised I had a whole two hours to practise my ice breaker. What did the chicken say to the dog? No no that's too stupid. I try to think of something witty, along the lines of "would you like to touch my tattoos?"

Sooner than I could decide on the best route, I'm joined by an old elderly couple who wear permanent frowns even when they are smiling. The woman was watching two toddlers running around barefoot. I could imagine the kind of scolding the parents were receiving in her head. I realised I'm nervous. More than I should be. I've known this woman a while now - surely...

Well 23minutes until arrival, I take a deep breathe and shook my nerves away. Or did I? Her flight has landed! Oh shit the door is opening...

Dear diary,

I'm not a fan of self help books, I never have been. I find it rather annoying to have a book of reference as if everyone deals with situations the same way. The titles are much worse "How to make any girl fall in love with you" or "How to live a fulfilling life". Yeah okay, I'll pass but thank you.

I think I may need one of those books though. " How to keep your cool when you meet a girl you like!"

I honestly feel so comfortable or maybe too comfortable talking to her. Its all so natural that the first thing I do now when I wake is want to call or text or  check for a voice note or listen to any old ones. It used to be coffee, now its her voice. "Insert eye roll here* Its a very intoxicating and scary thing when your world is unraveled so quickly that everything seems more natural knowing she's there than when she's not.

I guess you have already figured out that I met someone. This may be the first time I have written about a woman whom is currently in my life. Maybe that's a good sign.

I laugh a lot when we speak, I'm not sure if it because she force fed  me a bucket of butterflies or that she's truly a person that can make me laugh. Either way, I'll take it.

The stupidity that comes with these feelings are the worst. I feel like a teenager in a sense but well.

I guess at the end of it all, it will be up to Her and I to figure out if we can  work. Its not everyday that I meet someone who sparks and captures my interest so I guess that means I'm in.

I am aware of my silent fans and the vocal ones. I'm hoping you are nice people but maybe some of you aren't and that's okay. There's nothing anyone can do in this case but perhaps if you'd wish me luck with this?

Joan

+One

I have never met her, i didn't even know her name. I only know her from the daughter she gave birth to and the grandchild she has. I only know her from stories i hear and things she said. Oral tradition which allows me to see her as the beautiful woman she once was.

Technically i shouldn't be this upset but i am. Another fallen angel because of stupid Ovarian cancer. Problem is it is just too close to home. Its almost like i go through the motions again as tears try to sip out of my eyes. I have no describable emotions just a void in my heart filled with sadness, lined by memories. Again i exclaim that i stand with the millions + one.

the millions that have passed, the millions that are diagnosed and the millions that will pass, plus one - who is my mom and now one more - the woman i will never really know.

















RIP

Valentine's day

Dear diary

I guess I have been pondering on the amount of times I have loved deeply. I probably should start with my "first" love which in retrospect could have been just an innocent teenage love affair with my best friend. We didn't talk deeper than music and sing together. Then, at 13, that was more than enough. That's all I needed and she gave me so much more, an extra piece of chicken when we were in the dining hall, that extra hug.

When I really think of it, I really am combing for my best friend because that's who I would want to share my life with. The girl who understands my need for intimacy without thinking its needy, one who gets that time together is a way to feed my old soul. Who gets my artistic quirks which I assume can be rather annoying. A cuddler - I don't know how to stress that point! Its a need! My cuddle addiction is so bad that my profile on the dating site starts with "Hi, I'm Joan and I'm a cuddler" !

I am a hopeless romantic and love to love hard and mostly ready to fall hard. I'm not willing to go through the new age motions of fuck buddies and like relationships. Its tricky looking for a best friend instead of love. Shouldn't it be the opposite? No point now, thanks to you TP for that standard you set.

I remember my first Valentine's, she got me a perfume with a rose. Creamed my little heart into a puddle! I don't believe in Valentine's day,not really, but since everyone is on being romantic that day I didn't want her to feel left out so I wrote her a song. *insert eye roll here* . I even sang it to her on the piano.

Now, almost 30, I barely have the guts to say hello to a woman. I smile, look a little - well cause I'm too cool I don't want to seem like I'm staring lol. For this Valentine's, I guess I caught a break, I won't need to do anything since you - whoever you are - are still being all cryptic and hiding from me!

But I won't be too much of a party pooper. For all you couples out there, even if you are like me and don't believe in the day, buy her chocolate, watch that game with him. Romance is not for one day, definitely not, but it just is good to recognise that someone out there is like us, made a day to celebrate love and romance. Maybe for those that have less expressive partners, its a great idea to have a day you can look forward to.

Love is meant to be celebrated, today, tomorrow - the 14th of February. Doesn't matter really, as long as when you are in love, you Love the best way you know how.

Happy Valentine's Day

Killing Yourself to Live

Dear Diary

I thought i would be able to introduce my thoughts on this book but i guess not quite yet. I'll leave you to ponder this for now.


“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.” 
― Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story

Dear Diary

So i know i haven't written in a while, i think i needed the time to become undone. I spent most of it trying to work on the book. Yep, i am writing a book - or supposed to be.

Anyway, one early evening not so long ago, i sat with...well - lets just call her a friend - Lady. We were in some sort of intoxicated state that made us feel real intelligent and world class philosophers of sorts. We decided the world order had to be unraveled, and pin-point the actual reason that we live. Bear with me here and try keep up with this mouthful as i try to decipher it.

Lets begin on the soul and the theory that souls do not in fact die, they sort of move in a constant circular motion (reincarnation). However, for the soul to "rest" there then has to be a state of shall i say euphoria that will then put the soul in an enlightened state, which needn't need the soul to keep 'reincarnating'.

This somewhat connected to yin&yang, the perfect state of balance. Lady came up with an ideology that yin&yang are two souls, that meet and create a balance. I echoed with the Christian story of Noah & the arc in which the animals were always paired in 2s for balance, for the yin&yang purpose.

Balance = the state of paired souls = soulmates. 

The correct pairing of souls would then bring the living state of euphoria - which is that thing called True-Love. That boiled the whole discovery to one truth: The real reason for living is to love wholly. Not to just love anyone, but that ONE.

That, at the time, was cause for high-fives, mic-drops, happy-dances and cocky-nods between the two of us. We'd just unravelled God's plan. We were thinking "We know what you're up to". We had completely discovered the reason we came to be. Just a giant science project testing the ability of True Love's power of attraction within all and sundry living souls on earth.

Since this great new discovery of life's purpose, i have been acutely aware of my aloneness. Then the question of why i have always thought of myself as the last of my kind was somewhat answered. Can I say I know the reason my soul has been on earth for the last, I don't know, 100 years maybe?  I discovered that i am incapable of taking relationships lightly. Even my attraction to women seems pretty complicated to the normal human. I'm attracted to a person from the inside out. The more real, grounded, intelligent, kind, warm, compassionate, etc. they are - the sexier they become. So there goes my aspired one-nighters and casual relationships. I'm totally screwed it seems.

The next problem is this extreme introverted state i fall into when i am single. I just cannot seem to sum up the same interest to socialise as the normal human when i am unpaired. I prefer reading a book, working on my tattoos, having a glass of wine on the balcony watching the sunset. Unlike everyone else, I spend more time within myself instead of out there on the streets like everyone else yelling "My One!" so maybe she can maybe hurry the fuck up and we live happily ever after already!

So my journey to euphoria is still on. It would be a load of bollocks to say that my awareness makes it easy for an introverted queen like me, but perhaps if you'd wish me luck?


Joan