The Curse of the Spirit Animal

So it seems I have been cursed by one of the many spirit animals I am. After many heavy insomniac nights, I have tried to come to terms with the simple fact that I am not a very good sleeper- for a Gemini-EarthDragon.

I went further to research my spirit animal. Which will be a bonus for my already hereditary African totem - the great black and white - the zebra.

My first search was many months ago, a sleepless night that got me wondering if I had perhaps inherited some animal instinct which kept me up most of my nights. I was paired with the owl. It all clicked and made sense then but not as much sense as it makes now.

The past week and few days have been nothing but hell for me. Namibia has become so unforgiving. The heat startles the country by seven in the morning, like the drunk uncle at the Christmas party who gets his kick by telling the children horror stories about Santa! The day starts to become murky and everything is labored. Tans are on special this time of year it seems, it took less than an hour to get my tan upgraded to Navy blue!

The alcohol business is booming, the addiction seemingly predestined to anyone who lives in this BBQ. The first beer in this holiday season is on average around 9am and a beer has to be, without fail, drunk within 5minutes unless of course, you are the one for beer tea!

Given this ungodly situation, I keep the days to myself, alone, mumbling away cursing the heat. If I were in the street I'd be the sister to the woman who wears the paper bag on her head pulling a trolley full of metallic abstract works of art! I struggle through the heat wishing to be nothing more than a squid or jellyfish. It crosses my mind that maybe jellyfish are sick and tired of being in the water and perhaps they float around cursing King Triton.

Anyway, as the long agonizing desert day draws to a close,  the sun setting in such a deliberate speed - only around 8pm, I slowly begin to find some of my sanity. I mumble less, think more and start a never ending battle with the African Blood suckers - the mosquitoes!

In an act of terrorism, I empty a bottle of bug spray on the thin sons of B!*%#'s and pray God has a mosquito hell.

I spend good time just trying to breathe. In the stillness of the young night i stand out looking into the darkening skies and wonder why the wind has been given a vacation. The timing of course is perfect! Not! I slowly collect some of my thoughts and jot them down in an unusual organised fashion which is a complete contradiction of my unorganized simplicity. I fight with words and thoughts and have never ending conversations with myself as the clock ticks away.

By midnight I am convinced I am nothing like the majestic owl that sits in the night hooting into the echoes of silence. Big bald eyes and a 270° spin on its head, I barely meet the wise creature's hobby characteristics.

I decided it was time for a second and third opinion on my so called spirit animal. It couldn't have made more sense when I was done. My spirit self was full of too much baggage hence the crazy act. It turns out I'm a whale, a spider and wolverine! No biggie, that makes me a
Gemini-EarthDragon-OwlEbra-WolvWhalPider.

That sounds like a medical condition… that makes sense!

Year-End Speech

Its end of year, we have reached another December. Yet again the time to start stating our resolutions, updating our wishlists and feeling proud of our our achievements thus far. I sit worrying about my year end post. What to say and how it is I should say it.

  To most, my words are nothing but rants of life from another one of the billion souls that exist on this planet. Mere doodles. To me, they are silence. Perhaps I use words that have been used entirely to perfection that they have become meaningless.  As the case may be, I have used words so ancient they translate to silence.

It is probably what is best. For a long time I have thought for a person who has been through what I have, when given a chance should be able to translate the emotions into a text that most will read and somehow my suffering and anguish would not have been in vain. It only made sense that an education to the masses of one existence would awaken a humanity that we are on the brink of losing.

I have tried, believe you me. Endless drafts sit in all devices that I use, every journal I have owned and subsequently burned. I have been searching for that moment. The beginning of self realisation. How do I start my story? Does it go back to the point I was consciously aware of the stone that sat on the bottommost of my stomach? Does it start with my unconscious memories of existing instead of living?

Imaginably there is no start. It just begins. Begins with the first memory. Life is after all not a collection of years but a collection of memories.

I have no words for a beginning, my endless flirtings with blank canvases for a start have been unsuccessful. I have barely achieved second base let alone foreplay with an introduction. That is, for all one knows, the answer. The unwritten clue.

For the new year to start, A year would have to end but perchance there is no need for a start instead, for a moment to collect with all the other moments of existence. Maybe now I can stop looking to the skies for a sign of the start  of the new year we all hope will be ''the year" for love, joys, happiness, the all out dream. The signs are and have been existing as we do-with each breathe we take and each moment we make.

So instead of the normal I'll be bold and live differently in this moment. Whomever you are, wherever you are and whatever you do…

Happy holidays and happy moments!!

Lady friend

Isn't it ironic that most often than not the one person we like is a perfect TV character, or the girl you meet a week before she has to leave the country. Or the man who is perfect but turns out married. Well, I've just walked into that same trap. Thanks universe, guess you really been lookin out huh?

Its not that I hadn't noticed her until today. Its that today I got to talk to her, exchange witty playful banter and joke about all the most inappropriate things. There were moments too when I let a sensitive detail slip into her ears. I couldn't be sure what she would do with that information but anyway. I received some of her most hidden thoughts too that provoked St Joan, the angel of true love.

Its was a normal day. I arrived after she did and I did not want to sit on my station, instead i sat with her. She smiled kindly, her eyes almost letting off how pleased she was to see me. Then again I could be reading too deep into it. I went straight for business to hide my interest. She is the cliché. The typical punch line to a perfect bad joke for lesbians. She's straight, has a man she's been dating for many years and has two kids with him. Great!

We got talking. Bad idea Joan! What are doing?

There are many moments I thought I should out her as interested in a woman. The conspiracy! A woman?

Well the day couldn't have gone slower, everything seemed to float by deliberately. More secrets, more moments. Goodbye seemed like it was off the cards. In a movie she would have come to my house, we'd share a glass or plenty of wine and sleep in each other's arms and plan to elope with the kids to Mauritius, buy a beach house and wake up happily ever after if the plane didn't crash of course. But this is earth 1.0, nothing is as Hollywood. I watched her take the bus to the small red sand town she belonged with her man and kids.

She is now a tale of human connection, a story for drunken gay parties. Another woman in my world and I've become part of the Ironic song. Thanks universe!

Fictional reality

I have always had the notion that I am not attracted to looks. I still hold that notion but i have now found the right character. I have fallen for a movie character.


In all the fiction, I actually realised how she is made in the most perfect way for me. I barely want to watch anything else on TV except if it to repeat this movie and watch her, My woman character enchanting me into this love sick puppy.


Its ironic, I watch the whole movie with a stupid smile on my face, listening to every word that flows out of her mouth, as if she's saying those words only to me. As far as I'm concerned, regardless that it was scripted, they are my words.


She is an older woman, French for that matter with a witty tongue and a gorgeous smile. I love her accent and that she doesn't hide that expression of pleasure, joy - she wears her smile when her heart wants to smile. She walks deliberately and has a very interesting perception of life and love.
She probably doesn't exist. Probably? Okay okay, she doesn't exist; but she is still that perfect idea that I wish not to tarnish with any other film. I don't want to forget, or to lose the enchantment she has bestowed on me.


I guess the one thing that this has proven is that if you stay single long enough, you will lose your mind! that's okay, all I have to do now is learn French.

Older women #101

things young women should know when it comes to dating older women, now pay attention you youngsters, this is very important.


#1 The Lady of Insecurities


Older women are very insecure most the time and "cant believe that a young woman like you
could love an old prick like me!" Boo hoo! Really?


Honestly the number of women in the world are way more than men; which is why Lesbians are
the most lucky beings on this earth. The sea is full of fish! Listen up honey when I choose you,
how about just letting me love you without the constant reminder that I am in fact 10years younger
than you?




This type of woman needs to be loved right. Take her out hold her hand so all the young eyes can
see you together. Maybe, just maybe she will feel like a queen.


#2 The Jealous Lady


This is the type of woman who cant stand seeing you talk to anyone else, especially women your age
(that you have absolutely no interest in by the way). You will most likely get the "am just
wondering what you doing talking to her, am I boring you?"


For this question I suggest that you don't answer! This type of woman is a little too hard to handle,
not many get over jealousy. its one of those things that just doesn't go away but if you love her
enough to take it, hold her in your arms and reassure your feelings for her.


Her type is usually the one that is afraid to lose you or that which they share with you.
Good luck with this type of woman!


#3 The Lady Runner


This type of woman I still do not understand but this is the typical older woman. One who meets
you and lets her heart and emotions run with you. You connect in so many levels than one then
she suddenly disappears. This usually happens in more ways that one for instance, a sudden
break­up/ or more creatively ­ just disappear for days weeks or months in a time.


You are supposed to be older...what the hell you running from?? Sheeeesh. This type of woman
sucks, not because they run but because they pop back in your life just when you have just met a
nice woman you like and have just moved on. Or after they break up with you they return and
want you back usually really confusing the little sanity you hold.


I still don't know what you could do with this woman and second chances are risky but what's life
without risk? But maybe sometimes its better for your heart to just let go. Your choice!


#4 The attached woman


Many older women when you get to know them are real cool and usually have great connection.
They is usually a catch. Many of these women have women they have in their lives­ girlfriends.


The really sucky thing about this type of woman is you find out late, this is one of the details they
leave for last. I guess there is something about watching a young woman's jaw drop and heart
stop that fascinates the older generation. See now this is quite a dilemma and many young
women when they have found what they have been searching for in this woman become the other
woman...then you know what happens after that. Lesbian Drama. Ok now listen real close young
ladies. Question one you should ask is "Are you single?" this should obviously come after
stressing your feelings on honesty etc...lol. Maybe you will be spared. And second thing ­ DO
NOT ever settle for second best! Don't be the other woman.


#5 The "mother"


Okay here is a woman easy to cheat on and or leave easily. the woman who constantly refers to
age...I know this woman! I see you are older everyday I look at you, now FFS SHUT UP!! lol. This is the most annoying of all types. The one who wont let you do anything because "its not wise" and
she "the wise OLDER one" knows best. Young women, here is one word for you... RUN!!!


#6 She
This woman is the one that knows she is older but doesnt really mind...she loves you like hell
anyway. This woman will be perfect for you! :)

“OMG i almost died – Lets do it again!!”

Posted on August 8, 2012

I walked into the largest theme park in Malaysia (Berjaya Times Square theme Park) and my eyes were instantly glued on the orange track running through the theme park space. It had twirls everywhere. I had to get on it..my body had no choice but to follow my excited mind to the check in counter. This is the one thing i was willing to enjoy without getting the heart involved on the decision. I walked in with my ticket bracelet and the pass to all the rides . what more could a girl want!? well except besides maybe another girl?

so alone i walked to my first ride, the roller-coaster and sat at the front. I had the whole train to myself, it felt like it had been reserved for me and i was supposed to take it for the first spin. “sure“,  i thought “How hard could it be?”. My seat-belt on and it slowly started to move. Then suddenly a burst of twisted motions, upside-downs and fast crazy speeds. My screams of exhilaration escaped my mouth. I loved the force of the train, the speed i could feel from under my feet and the way the air would part for it and i to pass. Sudden control…holding on to this daring machine for my life. trusting it with my life.

I got down still in disbelief i hadn’t fallen out or died. a smile was pasted onto my face until the thought about theme parks crossed my mind. Who the hell, in their right minds made these rides anyway? (lets create a scene here) Did she like sit there and thinking of her next great invention then she stands and walks to her window overlooking the dust of the old roads and her horse standing there bored. She’d start to say to herself, “you know, i want to make a place where we can all go and enjoy speed and danger. where our hearts will stop momentarily in fright and/or excitement. I want to create a place where adrenalin will be constantly released from the body. A place to almost die.” She would then return to her seat and pick up her pen before coming up with a brilliant idea she exclaims loudly. “I’ll make a theme park!”

Even though it was stupid to make these rides, i guess the up side it keeps this rowdy African kid on vacation from getting into trouble? I looked up at my next ride, to spice it up, they called it the DNA mixer. “DNA mixer?? really?” Yes! I walked in and took a seat right in the middle of the second row of its victim seats. Beside me a young man and his date show up. How romantic, i thought. I guess i’m bringing a woman here for our first date?? *insert evil wizard laugh here* this was perfect!

When the ride started i thought “hmmmm..not too bad“, but that was before my DNA started getting mixed up. LITERALLY! This thing was “smartly” designed to shake your body so hard until you get your DNA mixed up with the person next to you. Not only that, my necklace kept falling into my mouth every time i was upside-down. Picture this if you will…you’re upside down trying to spit something out of your mouth and you would not dare use your hands, they are saving your life at that moment. I choked laughing at my ridiculous acts. No wonder they don’t have this thing in Zimbabwe.

Next up was the one ride which is just plain fun to be on..no strings attached. It just takes you up and spins you around gently. Its a great ride if you enjoy heights and wind. I loved, i just let myself float through the air with crazy rock music playing and lights flashing. A decent ride might i add. safest of them all. I got down all giddy and happy. no broken bones, stopping heart or crazy thoughts.

Next to it was this machine with two arms that where like two swings. It started of perfect, a big ass swing..who wouldn’t enjoy that?? I spoke to soon, the next swing was combined with a rotation that caught me off guard. The next few times it was throwing me upside-down rightside-up, then reversing the rotations just to confuse my already spoilt system. i was trying to keep my eyes closed but my body seemed to want to watch in case – i don’t know – my mind needed to flash my life before my eyes from time to time? It was an exhilarating-frightening feeling falling towards the ground. Literally watching the ground come so close to you then suddenly you’re heading towards the ceiling with no sign of slowing down. I got off the ride feeling a little ill. It was just an overdose of fun, fright and relief. I had a good time, i was mixed up and had a headache to prove it.

“OMG, i almost died” i thought, “lets do it again!” so i went on the roller-coaster again

Broken nail

When was the last time you cried? I mean really cry? The kind of cry that the tears burn your eyes, turning them red, snot dripping, veins popping kind of cry?


Its funny because I watched a show one afternoon after I knocked of from work quite early and in the show Chasing life, April woke up one morning only to find that her new husband had died in his sleep right next to her. Her best friend though hadn't really cried for anyone, she explained that she hadn't cried because she hadn't lost anyone close to her. While helping April in a treasure hunt, they went looking for a clue in a hospital room. She broke a nail which made her burst into tears like she had had her hand cut off.


I understood that feeling of bottling up emotions, not living in the disappointment or anger, not wanting to let go of all you feel and just feel despite how bad you may look to the next person. Its in that moment that when the silliest things like banging your knee on a table could cause so many emotions to overtake you in one magically stupid instant.


I've had a few tough years...with a lot of good within that of course but its been a whirlwind of keeping myself together. I walk with a bounce and smile with a twinkle but every night alone in my bed I let my mind float into the darkness dreaming outside my head. I ponder and dissect my exact feelings with not much emotions involved. It took April's best friend's nail to make me realise that I hadn't cried in a while. .


But now that I did, I sigh and look to the heavens and smile. Everything will be alright after all. At least that is what I feel in this moment and that is what I need for now.