motherhood…?

THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY. IT CONTAINS SEENS THAT HAVE BEEN A NIGHTMARE SINCE ITS OCCURENCE. READ AT OWN RISK

A long time ago, maybe 5 – 4 years ago i was walking home after a tough day at work, or was is school? i had my friend invite me for dinner which i accepted quickly, i wasn’t in the mood of cooking for myself on this particular day. On my way down the hill was a woman laying on the side of the road seemingly in pain, next to her was a face i recognised. It was my friend, the same friend i was going to have dinner with. At the sight of me an in one long word it seemed she yelled “pleasestayhere-gottago-berightback!”. I was obviously confused about these instructions but i figured she’d be back and was going for help since there is a woman rolling around in what seemed to be pain. Walking closer i asked the one man amoung many of the all-male spectators that had gathered around what was wrong with the woman. He told me she was pregnant.

Great! Pregnant! how hard could this be?

I stepped closer to her and she was rolling uncomfotably and obviously in pain. Instantly she started yelling she’s hungry and thirsty and needed to poop. I felt the blood rushing to my head, my brain was obviously not processing the information correctly and was in overtime as i was trying to recall any episode of ER or Greys Anatomy, for fucks sake, any medical show that had labour pains and giving birth in the twist. All i got was “breathe and push!”. Ii wasn’t ready for her to push!? Why no thank you, i was hoping to keep my appetite for dinner. She like charlie’s next angel took off her underwear effortlessly in a sleeping position. I smiled at her, pretty amazed at her ability. I am thinking how sexy that could be if i’d pull that one off in bed…*insert one brow raise + smirk here*

I’m nudged back to reality when she starts to push. Somehow in it all, she starts trying to close her legs while pushing. *PAUSE* Now who in their right minds close their legs when their pushing?? The baby needs a door, open it! But then again she wasn’t really in her right mind. *PLAY* I’m speaking in tongues trying to stop her from crossing her legs and not show my disgust to the audience who had now made themselves comfortble to watch the reality show. Real life labour on the side of the road…no pressure to perform now! Well since i was the midwife i then told her to breathe and push and she seemed to be doing well. Finaly i gained the courage to look at the horrors of childbirth, there i saw the crown – the top of the baby’s head – covered in a white paste. a deep red colored blood trickled down the side and the flow was met by – wait for it – POOP!

Dinner? No thank you i think i’ll pass.

 So i’m gag-instructing, the thought of poop, blood and probably sperm? *insert gag here* I began desperately looking for an older woman, anyone older. Anyone to take this baby out. The head was half way out by now, i’m now in omplete panic when i saw the woman, a much older woman…*insert cloudy heavenly pictures of smiling older woman with orchestra soundtrack*

So after the dificult odeal, the baby was out. The older lady arrived in the nick of time and finished the delivery just as the head popped out. She had turned to me and joyfully and declared that i will be a midwife one day! ermmm no thank you, i like my dinner everynight! where was i taking this? oh yeah. I think i would want a child of my own one day, I could just about raise a kid now, i have it all, experience and patience. and lots love for those little buggers! lol