Quiza…

by JOAN on JUNE 21, 2014 in UNCATEGORIZED

I listened to a colleague steal the company phone to call those who are back home. His friends, sisters, brother, wife perhaps. And before the phone was placed back on the hook, he listed the names of all the people deserving of his greetings. He’d almost forget one, then add one and one more before he put down the phone only to call another person. It felt like i needed to do MY duty and call someone…
Perhaps i should be the last one of my kind? perhapa thats all it is, a journey to a far away place we could never know. I have never been close to alot of people at the same time. I ususally get overwhelmed by the constant need to communicate to show that perhaps i havent forgotten about them…that i care. It seems the lack of this reaching out means the contrary. Perhaps.

I am estranged to many people, but the ones i do hold dearly are ever so dear. I think in my own understanding of connectivity is not in the communication but in the relationship. i feel like if i have a connection with someone, even if i live without a phone, that connection can never be lost. On the contrary, i’m estranged to family, friends yet they text every other second reaching out in vain. Unfortunately it overwhelms my already mess-loaded brain and makes me slowly withdraw from the complications of pretense and fake smiley faces. Too much perhaps?

I could barely explain what being close is, what missing someone is. Perhaps i’ve lost touch to cling on to feeling quite like that. Perhaps i have learnt to be lonesomely happy without the stresses of reaching out to people i care less to reach out to. Perhaps i have grown in a certain mystical magic way, in which i couldn’t be bother to feign affection to people who cling on to me because of everything else but the right real relationship. Perhaps it all means nothing, i lose nothing. Instead i work harder to establish a connection to the language i am learning, y quiza un dia, yo hablo muy bien. Quiza